I've been thinking a lot lately about a couple different things and have only now realized that they tie in very closely with each other.
The first is this. If I want to experience different parts of the country there is no better time than now. I can tell myself all sorts of excuses. I can let my fears rule and end up stuck in Indiana forever... another of my fears.
This thought opens up a whole crock pot full of other ideas. I am wary of change and yet I long for it. I dread a lonely future and in the same thought am skittish about committing to a lifetime of togetherness. Fear is a hateful and ugly enemy!
The second process of thought hovering around the corners of my brain is inspired by a new read. I recently picked up the book "The Kite Runner" while killing time in a local Starbucks. Within the first few chapters already my heart was wrenched by the almost palpable anguish dripping from its pages. And still I am compelled to read on, desperate for some redeeming line, something to make it all better. Though I have yet to finish the book the story has sent me scrambling, resolved to not make the same mistakes. There are people in my life who I love dearly and I want them to know it! What does it matter what it means to them. Maybe they don't feel the same way about me... so be it. The point is not how I am received. No, amazingly the universe does not center around me! The thing I want is simply for them to know I love them. I want them to know I've got their back. I want to be there for them. Once again, there is no better time to start being there than now!
And so my mind says, "but I'm afraid" and my heart says "just do it now!"
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
So yeah, it has been a really long time since I posted anything... in confession, I actually forgot, temporarily, that I'd created this blog. Yeah, go figure.
At any rate, there have been only a few changes in the life of this shining star since that time. You haven't missed much. Ha, I know you've all just been gripping the edges of your seats, breathless, waiting for the next installment, right!? Yup.
Well, I actually still have the same job that I accepted back in April... kinda. It's a contract job and so, as a general rule, I am moved around periodically to new stations/settings, if you will. So far so good, though I don't particularly enjoy the current contract, I am learning so much.
I have, of late, been slightly preoccupied with the idea of the Pacific-Northwest, particularly the coastal areas of Oregon and Washington state. In the Spring I read a series of books whose story was set in that region. The author, so fascinatingly descriptive, painted wonderful, mysterious pictures in my mind. More recently, a new acquaintance, a fresh shipment from Portland, spoke briefly of her home over coffee(Starbucks of course!). This conversation peaked my interest enough to pick up a travel book about it at Barnes&Nobles. Now, I lived in Oregon for a few months when I was younger. I have certain feelings about the place that are rooted in the time and circumstances that I experienced there. That time in my life was confusing, troublesome. My future was so very unclear (when IS it clear?). These old feelings have given me a certain sense of foreboding, so to speak, about the being there again for any length of time. However, in a slightly more mature state of mind I find myself believing that it would be different now. It could just be that my travel virus is waking up for another round, as well, but in any case, I want to go. I want to live in the city, possibly Seattle, or a lovely coastal town. I want to explore the rain forests of the Olympic Peninsula, the dramatic and breathtaking Western shoreline. Take in the vistas from Hurricane Ridge and Mt. Olympus... even if I have to be carried back down by stretcher :) Whatever it ends up being, I have got to get myself out of the Midwest!! Too much corn!
As I am writing this post a thought surfaces. You know girl, a good blog is profound, insightful, contemplating concepts and ideas transcendent of the obvious, funny or entertaining. Something to strive for, perhaps. In the end, these are simply asterisks of my life.
At any rate, there have been only a few changes in the life of this shining star since that time. You haven't missed much. Ha, I know you've all just been gripping the edges of your seats, breathless, waiting for the next installment, right!? Yup.
Well, I actually still have the same job that I accepted back in April... kinda. It's a contract job and so, as a general rule, I am moved around periodically to new stations/settings, if you will. So far so good, though I don't particularly enjoy the current contract, I am learning so much.
I have, of late, been slightly preoccupied with the idea of the Pacific-Northwest, particularly the coastal areas of Oregon and Washington state. In the Spring I read a series of books whose story was set in that region. The author, so fascinatingly descriptive, painted wonderful, mysterious pictures in my mind. More recently, a new acquaintance, a fresh shipment from Portland, spoke briefly of her home over coffee(Starbucks of course!). This conversation peaked my interest enough to pick up a travel book about it at Barnes&Nobles. Now, I lived in Oregon for a few months when I was younger. I have certain feelings about the place that are rooted in the time and circumstances that I experienced there. That time in my life was confusing, troublesome. My future was so very unclear (when IS it clear?). These old feelings have given me a certain sense of foreboding, so to speak, about the being there again for any length of time. However, in a slightly more mature state of mind I find myself believing that it would be different now. It could just be that my travel virus is waking up for another round, as well, but in any case, I want to go. I want to live in the city, possibly Seattle, or a lovely coastal town. I want to explore the rain forests of the Olympic Peninsula, the dramatic and breathtaking Western shoreline. Take in the vistas from Hurricane Ridge and Mt. Olympus... even if I have to be carried back down by stretcher :) Whatever it ends up being, I have got to get myself out of the Midwest!! Too much corn!
As I am writing this post a thought surfaces. You know girl, a good blog is profound, insightful, contemplating concepts and ideas transcendent of the obvious, funny or entertaining. Something to strive for, perhaps. In the end, these are simply asterisks of my life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Its really kind of amazing how a mood can shift, you know. Just a few days ago I was listening to Ray Lamontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black" album. The music fit my mood and I felt so sad and dispairing. As I write this, I'm listening to the same album and really enjoying it but I don't feel like crying myself to sleep. Funny how that works.
Of course, my sister visited over the weekend and really worked on picking my mood up out of the mud too. I'm sure that's got something to do with it. That and the fact that I finally got a job offer I was willing to take. I know, in this economy I should be grateful to have any offers at all.... right!? That's what you're thinking. But I just couldn't bring myself to settle for something I wasn't comfortable with.
Ok, the music is changing now! How about some Silver Seas and Ingrid Michaelson!?
Of course, my sister visited over the weekend and really worked on picking my mood up out of the mud too. I'm sure that's got something to do with it. That and the fact that I finally got a job offer I was willing to take. I know, in this economy I should be grateful to have any offers at all.... right!? That's what you're thinking. But I just couldn't bring myself to settle for something I wasn't comfortable with.
Ok, the music is changing now! How about some Silver Seas and Ingrid Michaelson!?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Empty
"Will I always feel this way? So empty, so estranged?" -Ray Lamontagne.
I wonder this today. Can't quite put my finger on why. --- seems to think its just nerves, waiting so anxiously for my near future to be secure. I suppose that's part of it, but I can't think that it's the only reason. After all, it's only a job, only money. Sure, that's important. But I know I could live happily without money, I've done it before... only there were many other things in my life at the time for me to be happy, content with. And, of course, I had hope then... about a blissful future with another human, a special human, that would share the days, the nights with me, happily. These days, that fervent hope, that burning hope, that once fueled my desire to be, my lust for life... well let's just call it wishful thinking. A tiny coal clinging weakly to the last traces of warmth. I find myself panicking, on the occasions that I allow myself to think of it. No, panic doesn't quite describe the sensation. More of a deep ache tearing away at the fibers of my chest. The nagging realization that hope never allowed to surface before. The suffocating loneliness, emptiness that overwhelms me, forcing deep ragged breaths in attempt to stifle the pain. I am able to get this feeling under control, to bury it for a time. And when I do life is a little easier to bear... only the emptiness is a constant. The other emotions that used to come so easily, joy, content, compassion... these go down with the pain. It seems I have forgotten how to feel, somehow become inhuman. And this, of course, makes me very nervous. What if, one day, this empty me becomes the only me? What if, this really is all there is for me? Somehow, this thought does not really surprise me. And that, in itself, is unnerving as well.
I wonder this today. Can't quite put my finger on why. --- seems to think its just nerves, waiting so anxiously for my near future to be secure. I suppose that's part of it, but I can't think that it's the only reason. After all, it's only a job, only money. Sure, that's important. But I know I could live happily without money, I've done it before... only there were many other things in my life at the time for me to be happy, content with. And, of course, I had hope then... about a blissful future with another human, a special human, that would share the days, the nights with me, happily. These days, that fervent hope, that burning hope, that once fueled my desire to be, my lust for life... well let's just call it wishful thinking. A tiny coal clinging weakly to the last traces of warmth. I find myself panicking, on the occasions that I allow myself to think of it. No, panic doesn't quite describe the sensation. More of a deep ache tearing away at the fibers of my chest. The nagging realization that hope never allowed to surface before. The suffocating loneliness, emptiness that overwhelms me, forcing deep ragged breaths in attempt to stifle the pain. I am able to get this feeling under control, to bury it for a time. And when I do life is a little easier to bear... only the emptiness is a constant. The other emotions that used to come so easily, joy, content, compassion... these go down with the pain. It seems I have forgotten how to feel, somehow become inhuman. And this, of course, makes me very nervous. What if, one day, this empty me becomes the only me? What if, this really is all there is for me? Somehow, this thought does not really surprise me. And that, in itself, is unnerving as well.
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